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November 17, 2014 / danaemckee

A Good and Perfect Love Story, Chapter 19 – Over Again? Part b

Some of my issues with my husband stemmed from feeling unloved/unappreciated, and I was angry, but… strange to say, I did not know it. That comparison thing I mentioned back in Chapters 12 and 13 had morphed from my contrasting myself negatively with Roger’s old girlfriend, to comparing myself positively with Roger. And many others!… That is exactly what 2 Corinthians 10:12 warns of – “…we dare not… compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.” I did “commend” myself. I truly felt that I was a godly woman, just going about my pretty perfect life as well as anyone could. Roger was the problem. Not me.

AllieGirl 001 copy 3
Roger and I got in a big fight when he man-handled the boys. I don’t remember what Aaron and Barney had done, but I know I did not like how he was dealing with them. I tried to intervene, and then we got into it. This happened in front of two of the neighbor kids, Rebecca and Benjamin, who were playing over at our house. Embarrassing. Looking back later, I think that detail about our friends’ children being there and them getting scared and running home, was part of God’s grace. His light shone in on the nasty, moldy, dank corner where this anger of ours was hiding out. And those burning embers of dissatisfaction, anger, self-righteousness, and ungodly comparison that smoldered in my heart needed to be raked out of the ashes, scattered, and stepped on. All that was about to happen. Things “settled down” after the altercation; Roger and I went over to apologize to them for losing it and acting bad.
That night I got my journal out to write out my feelings. I just needed to sort it out. I had a couple of little notebooks I journaled in from time to time, not organized enough to have just one… I found the one from three months before when Roger had had a really bad Father’s Day, a shameful, angry day. The very words that I was about to write were there; we’d done this same ridiculousness a few months ago. It was so similar, such a pattern. I cried, feeling totally hopeless and helpless. Roger was asleep; not unusual. He had to get up so early he always was asleep way before me. He usually got up and was gone before I woke up.

baby Allie 001
With the baby, I was awake at odd times. That next morning I went downstairs to find him before he left; I needed to try to sort out the aftermath… I wasn’t ok. He wanted to just go on like normal, like “what aftermath”? I didn’t want to anymore. It was one of those many times that you know what will happen ahead of time – if I say this, he will say that… I still could not just go on without trying. So, I brought it up again – the fight. And he reacted. Just like I knew he would, only more strongly. There was no reason to stay, he fumed; he was going to find an apartment and move out.

“And don’t call the church; or if you do, I am not going to them for any marriage counseling.”

I remember thinking, “I have done this single parent thing before; I guess I can do it again…”
A song that sustained me was “God is in Control.” It was a word to me; here are some of the lyrics:
God is in Control by Twila Paris
“This is no time for fear
This is the time for faith and determination
Don’t lose the vision here carried away by emotion
Hold on to all that you hide in your heart
There is one thing that has always been true
It holds the world together

God is in control
We believe that His children will not be forsaken
God is in control
We will choose to remember and never be shaken
There is no power above or beside Him…

He has never let you down
Why start to worry now?
Why start to worry now?
He is still the Lord of all we see
And He is still the loving Father
Watching over you and me

Watching over you, watching over me
Watching over every thing
Watching over you, watching over me
Every little sparrow, every little thing…

Bob Kauflin was associate pastor, music minister, youth leader, and counseling pastor at our church. I called to make an appointment with him. Looking over old calendars and journals, I am surprised by the actual timeline. I remembered the main things accurately, but thought we got in to see him for counseling quickly – maybe the week following. But the truth was, counseling with Bob was pushed back a couple of months. The fight happened on September 11, 1994. Life went on. And death. My little sister died unexpectedly on November 4. I flew to Nevada for the memorial service for Jeanne, the adoption agency allowing me to take our Allie along.


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